Nicaragua's center-right newspaper of record, La Prensa, has basically declared Daniel Ortega the winner with more than 40% of votes counted. If she drinks, you know that the newspaper's owner, former President Violeta Chamorro (who had to clean up Danny's mess after taking office in 1990), is already puking drunk. Doña Violeta, we miss you. Come back.

Which, even before tomorrow's US elections, officially makes this the worst week ever for both Donald Rumsfeld and Washington's Neocon Cabal, so I guess the news isn't all bad. Still smarting over Vanity Fair's alleged ambush of the oh-so-innocent policy-makers, the Neocons have argued that they didn't deserve to be blindsided like that (sniffle) because they only took us to war in Iraq using crap intelligence because they love America and Freedom. They simply had no idea that President Bush was going to be that incompetent!

I have three words for you, guys: My Pet Goat.


The comedians at Al Jazeera went with this awesome photo
for their election article; ironically, Fox News is jealous.

Well, I guess they should just be happy that Saddam Hussein was convicted (although we'll see if Western Europe's collective, and hilarious, angst about giving that poor misunderstood old man the death penalty shoves a few more thorns into the Bush administration's side). Anyway, this brings us to Decision 2006: How do we stop the spread of communism right in our back yard? Don't forget that communists, like dominoes, never change their spots. Here are some ideas:

1. Shock and awe Nicaraguans using a series of air strikes, send in an insufficient number of poorly outfitted troops to collect flowers from the grateful survivors, then appropriate Nicaragua's vast natural resources, such as mahogany and shrimp, so that the war will pay for itself. Because that went so well in Iraq.

2. Arm, train and encourage Montealegre voters to resist Danny's presidency using military might, rather than democratic elections, checks and balances. Because that went so well in Nicaragua the last time around (see also: Vietnam, El Salvador, Guatemala).

3. Cut all non-military aid and consider putting economic sanctions on the hemisphere's second-poorest country, which will make it difficult for regular to people to feed and cloth their children, while consolidating power among the increasingly desperate populace in a centralized government based on the cult of personality. Because that went so well in Cuba, North Korea and (pre-war) Iraq.

4. Stop borrowing money from Communist China to pay for the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan, and instead raise taxes and pay for the damned things ourselves. Oh wait, only Democrats raise taxes. Republicans and Neocons use credit cards - it's like free money, because daddy will pay the bill! At least that's how it went at university. Besides, the Chinese can't really be communists if they're selling us enough inexpensive rope through Wal*Mart to hang ourselves with. Right?

5. Let it be. Just relax, let President Ortega and his supporters and detractors figure it out on their own, then concentrate on working out some sort of solution to the mess in the Middle East before we even begin to f#ck with yet another country.

I'd go with option 5 myself...

 

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